I suppose this is really more than one topic, since it's definitely a multi-faceted issue with me (yes, that was a large word for a Saturday!) but I don't want to dwell on this stuff anymore than necessary. Unfortunately, whats necessary may actually be a complete mind overhaul as I seem to be in a constant mess recently.
January 2008, I was a 15 stone, veg-phobic, processed food eating PacWhale. My main nutrition was ice cream and chicken and maybe the odd bit of force fed carrot.
July 2009, I was a 10 stone vegetarian who'd had a complete lifestyle overhaul and realised there was a lot more to life than just food. Exercise could be fun and veggies are awesome!
September 2010, I was a 9 stone 9 runner, weighlifter, part time vegan, who ran her first half marathon and knew exactly how to work her body to get the most out of it. Mission complete!
Today, I'm lost. Yep. The weights going up, the exercise has stopped, the junk foods creeping in, I'm not even checking labels as thoroughly as a vegan should be. What gives?
It sounds ridiculous doesnt it, that things can change so much in the space of a few months. But clearly I managed to change things for the better in a relatively short time, so it's entirely feasible that things can spring back to change for the worse in a similar pattern.
I'm at least a half stone up on last September. Maybe even more by now, I've stopped daring to look. There's a notable number of inches gone on pretty much everywhere so most of my summer clothes don't actually fit (I bought new last year for my new life and got rid of all the older larger stuff) and I feel like an overstuffed sausage skin. Some days I look in the mirror and really do feel as round as Pacman!
Do I have the motivation to do anything about it? No.
I've not been running in months. I think I went for a run last month, but that was the first one in months too. The last time I had a training schedule that was stuck to was Septembers half marathon, since then there's been laziness, illness, christmas, more illness, more laziness, more laziness, less motivation, and now I'm actually scared to get back out there because I know I'll have to start right back with the basics. I feel like a total failure.
Do I have the motivation to do anything about it? No.
I've not done any weight training or core work in months either. I'm flabby all over, and it's definitely responsible for some of that inch gain. Being in a shared house has really impacted my ability to train at home, and being broke from saving has ended my ability to train anywhere else. I really enjoyed lifting, I enjoyed feeling strong, I enjoyed seeing the faintest hint of abs wanting to appear from under the surface.
Do I have the motivation to do anything about it? No.
I've not fully meal planned or tracked my meals properly in months. Sure, 95% of the time it's fully vegan (I'm not concerned over honey at this junction, so I won't go out of my way to avoid that. I ate cake the other week that had egg in it, but I didn't feel strong enough to refuse it. I don't check labels as well as I should because I don't always know what I'm looking for, but I make sure there's no dairy at least) so you would think 95% of the time it was healthy right? Wrong. As many times as I cook from scratch with healthy fresh ingredients, I bake something indulgent to cancel it out and then binge on the results while noone is looking. Seriously, I thought my disordered eating days were behind me but I actually contemplated throwing up to keep eating the other day. Even at the darkest points in my teens I never actually resorted to making myself sick, I found other outlets to 'poruify' myself of my sins. I guess I spent 2 years or more watching every calorie, watching the nutritional intake of the food for cleanness, and when everythign else stopped, the desire to do this stopped too. What started as the way to lose and keep the weight off became a burden, even though I know deep down it's the only way I'll get back on track.
Do I have the motivation to do anything about it? No.
Can you buy motivation? I could really do with some. But there's so many excuses in my mind for why this little thing is okay, or that little thing is okay, that all those little things add up and stop me from doing anything about anything. And thats totally wrong, isn't it.
Yes, I'm piss-broke right now and can't afford to train anywhere, but there are odd moments when the house is empty that I could train indoors if I really meant it.
Yes, I've lost all running fitness and will have to start from scratch, but thats only going to get worse every single week I don't start again.
Yes, getting active again seems a waste of time when I might be pregnant any minute and have to slow it down, but guess what, I'm not yet and we've been trying for 6 months so stop using it as an excuse.
Yes, it's a pain in the ass watching what I eat, but I can either do it now and have a clean conscience about where my food comes from and what it's doing to my body, or I can regret it later and wish I'd not been so stupid.
The question is, when it's all fallen down around you, where do you go to start piecing things back together again? Which of those things is the lynchpin that will help the others fall in to place? And how do you get any of them to sound worthwhile when you really don't feel like you care (but know you really do)?
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